As a fellow lampooner, John Updike would no doubt appreciate his inclusion in The Onion‘s tongue-in-cheek story of the “Top Prom Trends For 2015.”

“Here are this year’s most popular prom trends:

Live streaming feed for students who couldn’t get date
Moment of silence to honor our fallen heroes overseas
The Centaur replacing Rabbit Redux as this year’s most popular John Updike–based prom theme
Adult chaperones given two minutes at start of dance to explain why exactly they chose to spend night off doing this
Cash bar for dates 21 and over
Viennese Waltz continues to supplant American-style tango as preeminent dance
King and queen required to break at least five social boundaries in order to be crowned
More DJs ending night with special father-son dance
After-party held right in lobby of hospital ER
Many students are following up their prom experience with unprotected intercourse”