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  1. Gas-Free

    March 16, 2012 by Tommy Titan


    Could you wire me some money? I am currently in California and can’t afford gas to make it back to Illinois. Have I told you before that I love mascots? Help!!


    Dear Send$$$,

    I gotta say – with a name like yours, you should be asking Ke$ha for money. My guess is that she’ll know just what to do; isn’t she the one who said:

    Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
    Grab my glasses, I’m out the door, I’m gonna hit this freeway
    Before I leave, fill my tank with a gallon of gas
    ‘Cause when I leave for my school, I ain’t gettin’ there
    I’m talkin’ creditor on my toes, toes

    If the Ke$ha plan doesn’t work out for you, there’s another way to get back from California, but your feet probably won’t like it very much. See you in a few months!


  2. Spring Break Ideas

    March 2, 2012 by Tommy Titan


    I am trying to figure out where to go on Spring Break. I have several options, but they are all places I have gone before and they are not cheap. Where can I go that would be unique, quick, cheap, and would make me smile?

    Break My Boredom

    Dear Boredom,

    You’ve made the right decision, asking me. I spent all of my spring breaks sleeping at my parents’ house. It wasn’t easy, though, since they turned my bedroom into a workout gym during my first semester away. For some reason, whenever I woke up my abs felt like they were on fire.

    If you’re looking for something cheap that doesn’t involve your parents, you could visit your friends’ parents. Or your grandparents. No guarantees, but there’s a good chance they won’t throw you to the curb before the week is up.


  3. No Midterms?!?

    February 27, 2012 by Tommy Titan


    I am so upset! None of my professors are giving mid-term exams. I came here so I could be tested to my fullest potential. What can I do to really test my large brain?

    Brains ‘n Beauty

    Dear Brains,

    First things first: NERD ALERT! Second things second: mid-term exams aren’t the only way to put your brainiac skillz to the test. The best professors will always spring a 50-page paper on you right before spring break, so don’t worry if you don’t see an in-class exam coming up in the next couple of weeks.

    If your professors still aren’t giving you enough maniacal midterm migrains, there are a few self-help options out there on the web. One of my favorite ways to cure the lack-of-a-midterm blues is the Impossible Quiz. For geography buffs, there’s 50 States. For the serious and well-rounded, there’s the Mensa Workout.

    And then, of course, there’s this little gem for the overachiever who reminds the professor about the thing the rest of the class was hoping s/he’d forget. You’re welcome.


  4. Valentine’s Day Gifts

    February 10, 2012 by Tommy Titan


    I can’t decide on what to get my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. What would any girl want, yet nobody has ever thought of?


    Dear Valentino,

    It’s clear you’re a true romantic, asking your school’s mascot for gift ideas. I would recommend a mug with an ugly mug, but it’s already sold out. If you want something truly original, you could go with a green and pink sweatshirt from the best store on the planet.

    Or, even better, scour the interwebs for a picture of me working the night job that put me through grad school and I’ll personally autograph it for her. You might not believe it, but I had even better muscle definition back then than I do now. My abs even made it into the Guinness book of world records as the only known sixTEEN-pack. What girl wouldn’t want to see that?


  5. Christmas – Más o Menos

    December 9, 2011 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    My roommates and I are having a debate about the best holiday movie.  They argue for Frosty the Snowman, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  I’m arguing for It’s a Wonderful Life.  I told them our mascot would set us straight!  Which is it Tommy?

    Chris Kringle

    Dear Chris,

    Your roommates have studied too hard this week.  Their brains are fried.  Certainly, those other movies are quality Christmas flicks, but the best holiday movie is either National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation or It’s a Wonderful Life, depending on the genre you’re going for.  If you like cute, then your roommates’ choices are fine—but then, so is Justin Bieber.  No, I need a little more substance.  And that can only be provided by the likes of Chevy Chase or Jimmy Stewart.  Did I just put those two in the same category?  That I did, Edward.  That I did.  Hee-haw!


  6. Squirrel Quarrel?

    October 28, 2011 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    I recently found a squirrel skull on campus. Does this mean that our quad squirrels are not immortals sent from an alien world?  I was hoping they were because their furry smiles always make my day.

    Squirrel Lover

    Dear Squirrel Lover,

    Your discovery must mean one of two things: 1) as difficult as it might be to accept, our quad squirrels are indeed mortal; or 2) they planted the aforementioned skull to make you think they are mortal—so that they may continue on with their mysterious and insidious plans while we are none the wiser.  I have no idea what those plans might entail, but I happen to know someone who would.  It is not in my nature to defer questions to higher authorities (after all, there are so few), but in this case I suggest you pose this question to IWU Quad Squirrel.  He is both furry and wise.  He’ll have your answer.  Godspeed.


  7. Watch this, Mommy!

    October 4, 2011 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    Is it true that my parents may be able to watch me play football this semester on live streaming video?  They live a little north of Chicago and don’t always make it down for all the games, but they do want to follow the team.  It would be great if this rumor were true!

    Northshore Titan

    Dear Northshore,

    Like most rumors, this one is true.  The University has recently partnered with a company called Stretch Internet to stream live events throughout the school year. Stretch will allow us to stream academic, cultural and fine arts events, as well as select sporting events.  We have already streamed a couple home games for football this fall, and the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive.  Interested parties need only click here to find what they’re looking for.

    This new capability of ours is perfect for parents like yours—parents who don’t love their child enough to drive a few hours but just might take the time to turn on the computer.


  8. To Let it Sit?

    September 2, 2011 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    I live in Park Place and have a question about roommate etiquette.  If I go to the bathroom after I know everyone is already asleep, do I flush?  Regardless?

    In the Can

    Dear Can,

    First off, you are a considerate roommate.  Good for you.  Just to be thinking about this issue reflects well on you, so I will abstain from asking potentially embarrassing questions like “Do you have a drinking problem” or “Do you think a burrito at 1:30 a.m. is absolutely necessary?”

    Now, I would say the best option is simply to wait until morning to relieve yourself.  That said, trying to wait and not making it until morning is without doubt the worst option.  Therefore, if you absolutely have to produce after your roomies have already begun catching Z’s, follow the age-old rule:

    If it’s yellow, let it mellow…if it’s brown, flush it down.

    And if you do have to flush, I would recommend lowering the lid before pulling the handle.  Just a little extra consideration.

    I can’t believe this is what my mascot life has amounted to.


  9. Fishing for Answers

    August 19, 2011 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    Can I bring my pet fish and their 1.5 gallon tank to my dorm in August?

    -Nervous Little Froshie

    Dear Nervous,

    I guess the point is moot now, huh?  Since Yours Truly isn’t at the beck and call of students over the summer, I assume you’ve had to do one of three things by now: a) contact someone in Residential Life; b) decide to bring your fish regardless of the rules; or c) leave for fish for dead at home, where no one else will take the time to feed it or whisper sweet nothings to it.

    I hope you’ve chosen to bring your Nervous Little Fishie because you can, in fact, keep a fish in your room.  ORL draws the line at aquatic frogs and turtles though, so I hope you didn’t bring the whole crew.

    Sorry for the late reply, Nervous, but we mascots do need our rest after the long hours we put in over the course of a grueling academic year.  I appreciate you reaching out to me, and I hope you will continue to consider me a fount of knowledge and an all-around good guy.  Because that’s how I think of myself.  Have a great school year, and give your fish a kiss…er, a hug…you know, come to think of it, what good is a fish?


  10. Running with Reggie?

    March 3, 2011 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    Rumor has it that you will be teaming up with Reggie Redbird for the Run for Hope on April 2nd at ISU. How are you feeling about working with your cross-town rival? What benefits of working with the organization Homes of Hope specifically influenced your decision to contribute? Do you have any advice for students considering participation in the run? Can you give me these answers as soon as possible?


    Dear MARY,

    I love rumors.  They are often scandalous, salacious and sensational.  When they aren’t founded in any reality they are even more fun.

    This particular rumor is true but not particularly scandalous—except that I’m working with Retchy Redbird.  I am working with that dirty dirtbag of a mascot only because it’s a very worthwhile cause.  I like the fact that the mission of the organization is twofold, both providing affordable housing for low-income and homeless families and giving individuals with addiction problems a healthy outlet and chance to be productive.

    My advice for students thinking about participating is to get on a training regimen—yesterday.  We need to show ISU what IWU is about.  Small but mighty.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against the ISU kids, but I expect you all to run circles around those snot-nosed twerps until they beg for mercy, throw their hands up in defeat and cry to their mommies.  Not that this is a competitive thing.  It’s all for a good cause.

    Oh, and was that response fast enough for you, Miss Impatient?  Geez, if you’re half as demanding of yourself, you’re going to run faster than anyone next month.