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Smarty-Pantses

August 3, 2012 by Tommy Titan

Tommy,

I was curious if you knew who the smartest professor on campus really is? Could we have a contest or something to determine this? I’m serious, I have to know!

Looking for Professor Big Brain

Dear LOOKING,

The last time we had a contest like this was back in 1905. The contest was set up pretty much like the game “Counter-Factuals” on The Big Bang Theory, except that the questions weren’t quite so predictable. My favorite sociology professor ended up winning, with the question “In a world where homosexuals are widely regarded as our equals, what type of business would continue to hold on to today’s rational values?” He answered “poultry-centric rapid-speed eatery.” The panel of judges agreed (and, it turns out, he was right). Unfortunately, a few of the students decided to steal all of the chicken from the campus icebox and lay it on the floor outside of the professor’s office. That, on its own, wasn’t that big a deal, but when President Smith responded by covering the quad with chicken coops, the Board of Trustees decided it was probably time for the President to retire. We haven’t had another contest like that ever since.

But that was only half of your question. I do, actually, know who the smartest professor is. His name rhymes with Mommy¬†Frighten, and he’s not actually a professor.

–TOMMY


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