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August, 2012

  1. First-Years’ First Days

    August 24, 2012 by Tommy Titan

    Hey Tommy…

    Got any tips for the first-years on their first day of class next week?

    Love your column!

    Excited Tol

    Dear Tol,

    Of course I have advice for them. What a stupid question. My advice is simple: sit in the front row, as close to the professor as possible. Get there early. Stand up and introduce yourself to your professor immediately when they walk in the door. Shake their hand. Make an impression. It could help your grade, but more importantly, everyone will respectdespise you.

    There was this one kid, Vance Legstrong, who I took The Science of Six-Packs with back in ’75. A real overachiever/know-it-all. Not many friends. But he introduced himself to the professor right away when she walked in on the first day of class and we all immediately saw him as the guy who would undoubtedly be setting the curve for the entire semester. As much as we despised him as a human being, the instant Dr. Doapine announced a group project, we all ran over to Vance’s desk to ask to be his partner.

    So that’s my advice: be the annoying kid, the teacher’s pet. Everybody will hate you, but you’ll be a hot commodity on group project day.

    BTW: Vance, if you read this, thanks again for choosing me. Also, your laundry will be ready at 3:00.


  2. Titanientation Events

    August 17, 2012 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    I’m going to be a freshman this year. I’ve been looking at the schedule for orientation next week and it looks pretty full. If I can’t drag myself out of my room for every event, what are your top recommendations?


    Planning To Be Lazy

    Dear Be,

    I would never condone skipping out on anything. Turning Titan is an integral part of your college experience. If you miss even a single event, I will never truly consider you a Titan. I won’t pose for pictures with you at football games or answer any more of your incessant questions. Basically, you’ll be dead to me. So go to everything. But if you want some advice of what to mentally prepare for, here are a couple of my favorites.

    Hands down, the best event of the week is the hypnotist, Frederick Winters (Thursday night). I say “hands down” because I recommend that if you’re a sane human being and you don’t want to be embarrassed in front of 500 people you’ve known for less than a week, you should keep your hand down when he asks for volunteers. Seriously, though, this guy has performed at Turning Titan every year since, like, 1850. This show is¬†always a must-see.

    One of my other favorites is Real World 101 (Friday evening). It touches on some touchy topics, but it’s always funny and engaging. I’ve personally gone to this show three times and, unless they’ve gotten rid of my favorite segment, I’d like to recommend that you sit next to your roommate so you can make sure she’s paying attention when they demonstrate the problem with the combination toothbrush/vibrator.

    And you think I’m kidding.


  3. Smarty-Pantses

    August 3, 2012 by Tommy Titan


    I was curious if you knew who the smartest professor on campus really is? Could we have a contest or something to determine this? I’m serious, I have to know!

    Looking for Professor Big Brain

    Dear LOOKING,

    The last time we had a contest like this was back in 1905. The contest was set up pretty much like the game “Counter-Factuals” on The Big Bang Theory, except that the questions weren’t quite so predictable. My favorite sociology professor ended up winning, with the question “In a world where homosexuals are widely regarded as our equals, what type of business would continue to hold on to today’s rational values?” He answered “poultry-centric rapid-speed eatery.” The panel of judges agreed (and, it turns out, he was right). Unfortunately, a few of the students decided to steal all of the chicken from the campus icebox and lay it on the floor outside of the professor’s office. That, on its own, wasn’t that big a deal, but when President Smith responded by covering the quad with chicken coops, the Board of Trustees decided it was probably time for the President to retire. We haven’t had another contest like that ever since.

    But that was only half of your question. I do, actually, know who the smartest professor is. His name rhymes with Mommy¬†Frighten, and he’s not actually a professor.