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April 27, 2012 by Tommy Titan


Can you help me find a girlfriend? I’ve struck out on campus. It’s been both humiliating and something I may never recover from. I also tried eHarmony and had about as much success as Lloyd Christmas’ bathroom encounter with Sea Bass in Dumb & Dumber.

I make Girls Hurl

Dear Hurl,

Have you ever considered that you may just not be that appealing to women? Nah, can’t be that; you’re a TITAN.

Come to think of it, Valentino never had me sign a picture of my sixteen-pack abs. Two ideas:

  1. Find a copy of that picture and make a T-shirt out of it. Be careful, though; only wear it in front of a woman you want to be yours forever. Those abs had more power over women (and gay men) than Cupid’s arrow.
  2. Figure out who Valentino was. Assuming he gave his girlfriend a sweatshirt for Valentine’s Day, there’s probably a great girl on the market.


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