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April, 2012

  1. Girlfind

    April 27, 2012 by Tommy Titan


    Can you help me find a girlfriend? I’ve struck out on campus. It’s been both humiliating and something I may never recover from. I also tried eHarmony and had about as much success as Lloyd Christmas’ bathroom encounter with Sea Bass in Dumb & Dumber.

    I make Girls Hurl

    Dear Hurl,

    Have you ever considered that you may just not be that appealing to women? Nah, can’t be that; you’re a TITAN.

    Come to think of it, Valentino never had me sign a picture of my sixteen-pack abs. Two ideas:

    1. Find a copy of that picture and make a T-shirt out of it. Be careful, though; only wear it in front of a woman you want to be yours forever. Those abs had more power over women (and gay men) than Cupid’s arrow.
    2. Figure out who Valentino was. Assuming he gave his girlfriend a sweatshirt for Valentine’s Day, there’s probably a great girl on the market.


  2. Bladduation

    April 20, 2012 by Tommy Titan


    I watched a friend of mine graduate from IWU last year and thought the ceremony was VERY long! I will have my parents and grandparents in attendance this year to watch me get my diploma. I am a little worried at how long the ceremony lasts because my grandparents are so old. Is there anything that can be done to speed up the commencement process?

    My Grandpa Needs to Pee

    Dear Pee,

    First off, a dumb question: have you thought about staging a fake ceremony? If your grandpa is anything like mine, all you’d have to do is gather a few of your friends, grab your mortarboards, and have someone stand behind a podium and shout all of your names. Easy, shmeasy.

    Assuming that’s not going to work, there’s a little-known secret option for people who don’t feel like sitting on the quad for hours on end. Through the magic of the interwebs, the ITS department will be streaming video of the ceremony online. For grandparents with bad vision, weak bladders, and no computer skillz, they’ll even be putting the video right on the recently-giganticized Hansen screen. And, again, if your grandparents are anything like mine, they won’t even notice the difference.


  3. JWPRsCared

    April 9, 2012 by Tommy Titan


    I am presenting at the John Wesley Powell conference this weekend. I always get really nervous when I have to talk with strangers. What if they ask me something I have no clue about? What can I do to calm down and come across as a normal human?

    Nervous Ashley

    Dear Nervous,

    I can definitely relate to you on this one. I’m always worried about people thinking I don’t know what I’m talking about, so my strategy is to just never talk at all. Next time you see me out and about on campus, come up to me and try your absolute hardest to get me to talk to you. I promise, it won’t work.

    In a presentation context, however, the silent treatment might not work very well. You could try another of my tactics, wearing a fake head over your real one, so even if you do say something stupid, people won’t be able to tell that it’s actually you. Or, my personal favorite method, when someone asks a question you can’t answer, laugh really loudly and say “that is the STUPIDEST question I’ve ever heard!”

    Let me know how that works for you.