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December, 2010

  1. Packing for Break

    December 9, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    I’m about to leave for home, and I feel like I’m going to forget something.  Can you help me think of all the things I’ll need over the break?

    –FORGETFUL

    Dear FORGETFUL,

    The following is a list of holiday break college student necessities:

    • Toothbrush
    • Toothpaste
    • Deodorant
    • One pair of sweat pants with elastic waistband
    • One sweatshirt
    • Cell phone
    • iPod
    • National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

    That’s the list.  Sure, there are many other items that could be potentially helpful to you, but this is the comprehensive list of necessities.  Now get on home and do as little as possible for as long as possible.

    –Tommy


  2. Election Ethics

    December 2, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    My class officer elections are today, and I don’t know who to vote for.  My girlfriend is running against one of my friends, and there’s a really hot girl running, too!  I guess I could tell both my girlfriend and buddy that I voted for them and really vote for the hot girl, but that might actually make me feel slightly guilty.  Help me!

    –CONFLICTED

    Dear CONFLICTED,

    The choice is crystal clear, provided you have the ability to run advanced statistical analysis.  You must decipher exactly how happy you are with your girlfriend—and whether you are currently dating up or down.  If you have outkicked your coverage, so to speak, in your current relationship, you must vote for your girlfriend.  And it’s not enough to TELL her you voted for her.  You’re a dude, you’re probably a horrible liar.  Now, think about it, do your friends constantly tell you that your girlfriend is too good for you?  Have they asked her out despite your current relationship with her?  If so, stick and stay.

    On the other hand, if you’re not so into her anymore and think you’ve got a shot with said hot girl, vote with your…heart.  But you must calculate the chances that she: a) doesn’t already have a boyfriend, b) will believe you when you tell her you voted for her, and c) is going to be so moved by your single, solitary vote that she will succumb to your advances.  I’m not Steven Hawking, but I could probably take a shot at the statistical probability that you’ll end up with her.

    Lastly, don’t worry about your friend.  Vote for him, don’t vote for him, whatever.  You guys will still be friends.  And you could not vote for him and tell him you did, and it would still be okay.  You might be a terrible liar, but he’s a guy.  He’s as bad at detecting lies as you are at lying.

    Don’t you just love democracy?

    –Tommy