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November, 2010

  1. REO Badmusic

    November 18, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    My roommate likes the stupidest music.  Every time I walk in the room it sounds like I just entered the Magic Kingdom at Disney World.  If I hear Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift or Ke$ha one more time I might lose it.  How can I get him to rock some real music, like Journey, Supertramp, or REO Speedwagon?

    –MUSIC-ILL

    Dear ILL,

    You seem to have two real options.  The first is never return to your room.  Just consider all of your personal effects his property now, and make a clean break in order to free yourself from the auditory torture.  The second is to increasingly share little comments like “My mom absolutely loves this song” or “My little sister has a huge crush on Justin Bieber. You two should talk.”  After a week or two of this kind of subtle attack, I would expect a change.  If that doesn’t work, you might have to go so far as to create a Facebook profile for your sister (whether you have a sister or not), use Justin Bieber in the profile picture, and send a friend request to your roommate.  If even this fails to curb his appetite for crappy music, you are back to option one.

    –Tommy


  2. The Heatpocolypse is Nigh

    November 11, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    What’s with this unseasonably warm weather?  I thought I was going to school in Illinois, where there would be depressing winters full of oppressive amounts of ice, sleet and snow.  You know, real Ice Planet Hoth stuff.  If I wanted this BS, I would have attended the University of Hawaii.

    –ABNORMAL, IL

    Dear ABNORMAL,

    Imagine how I feel.  As an over-sized, furry, foam rubber mascot, I live for the fall and winter when it’s actually an advantage to radiate heat like a ‘73 El Camino.  This 70-degree weather in the middle of November is just downright un-American…and it’s Veterans Day, for Pete’s sake!  I’m tempted to go out to eBay and buy up every last swimsuit I can get my hands on because the polar ice caps are surely melting.  Damn you, BP!  Of course, I’m about 90% neoprene, so without BP’s good work I probably wouldn’t exist.  Oh, I’m so confused!  This infernal heat is messing with my mind!

    –Tommy


  3. Trolling the Polls

    November 4, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    Why are the volunteers at polling places always so creepy?  Do they belong to a cult?  I could have sworn I heard a goat being sacrificed in the building when I voted.

    –SCARED OF OLD PEOPLE

    Dear SCARED,

    Old people don’t mess around when it comes to politics.  With the welfare of whole municipalities hanging in the balance, and because they generally don’t have much else to do with their time, they throw themselves into the races like Charlie Sheen throws himself into…headlines.  Don’t you dare start a discussion on health care with Grandma, and if you engage Gramps in a lively debate about taxes, it’s your funeral.  The truth is that the sacrifice you heard was real—but it was no goat.  It is best to treat the polling place like a rest stop.  Get in, keep your head down, finish your business, and leave.

    –Tommy