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August, 2010

  1. Classes on Classiness for the Classless

    August 26, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Thomas,

    I feel like I’m in a different class than my roommate.  And I don’t mean that I’m class of 2013 and he’s 2012.  I’m talking about evolution.  He likes to watch Youtube videos of people hurting themselves, I prefer C-Span.  He slugs Mountain Dew from the can, I enjoy Perrier out of a brandy snifter.  He walks around the room naked, I generally don my robe and pipe.  Does IWU offer any classes on, well, class?

    –CLASSY CLARENCE

    Dear CLASSY,

    Let’s get one thing straight—only my mom calls me Thomas.  Seriously, I could have you shipped out of here and sitting in class in Rock Island by Tuesday, drooling alongside all the other dolts that wanted to be Titans but couldn’t hack it.

    Now, with that unpleasantness behind us, let me address your question.  Your roommate situation sounds not unlike that of my eighth junior year.  I was working toward an important degree for me—it was going to make an even dozen IWU BAs for yours truly—and I roomed with a Neanderthal of a guy who picked at his toe nails with ball point pens and gulped down revolting cocktails of Cheez Whiz and whipped cream.  I did my best to cohabitate, and we generally got along fine—but I would have much preferred he be a bit more dignified.  Sadly, then, as now, there was no course offered at IWU to class him up.  Perhaps if all the disgusted roommates were to petition, we could augment the curriculum.  Because there is a need.  As The Countess will tell you, money can’t buy you class—and elegance is learned, my friends.

    –Tommy


  2. Summer’s Gone… And so is the pool.

    August 16, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    How was your summer?  What did you do?

    –TANNED AND RESTED

    Dear TANNED,

    The mid-summer heat gets pretty intense for a 7-foot, 260-pound, fuzzy mascot, so I typically spend a good deal of time in July and August floating through the icy cool waters of Fort Natatorium with no toga.  Unfortunately, so much fuzz got caught in the filter this year that they had to shut down the pool for repairs, relegating me to public swimming holes.  As you might imagine, two weeks of sharing pee-saturated waters with screaming kids was enough, and I opted to spend the remaining few weeks visiting CCIW campuses, doing reconnaissance work.  My findings?  Augie is still the saddest excuse for an institution of higher learning that I’ve ever seen.

    Welcome, new Titans, to “Ask Tommy”—and welcome back, fellow champions of the green and white!  We ride together to the promised land on the strength and beauty of our proud institution, smiling down upon the foes who have fallen at the tip of our blade, pleading for the mercy of the great.  We forge ahead with steely resolve and frightful force until we reach our destination high atop this land of corn-choked plains, frothy seas, and snow-capped mountains. We will not rest until the name Illinois Wesleyan rings proudly in the ears of the holy and strikes fear in those who dare oppose us.

    Let’s have a great year.  Keep firing questions at me, and I’ll keep spewing out awesomeness.

    –Tommy