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February, 2010

  1. Nickols

    February 25, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    I’ve been seeing these “Who is Nick Nichols?” posters around campus and I simply must know: Who is Nick Nichols and why is he so important?

    Dear MJ,

    Nick Nichols, a native of Alabama, is an award-winning photographer for National Geographic.  He is director of design at New Era Publishing in Austin, Texas and president at Noble Ford-Mercury in Des Moines, Iowa.

    He moonlights as a software engineer in San Diego, and a retail category manager in Charlotte, North Carolina.  In his spare time, Nick runs his own real estate company in the greater Atlanta area.

    When he’s not consulting for Defined Source Cooperative down south, he’s working his way up the ladder right here in Illinois at the University of Chicago.

    Who is Nick Nichols?  He’s every man, MJ.  He’s an enigma wrapped inside a riddle, cloaked in mystery.  An idea.  A whisper.  A thought.

    Who is Nick Nichols?  Who ISN’T Nick Nichols?

    Why is he so important?  Because his first name is a derivative of his last.  Bam.


  2. Banding Together for Tommy

    February 18, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    We haven’t seen you at the basketball games lately.  Just want to make sure you’re alive and well!

    Dear TITAN BAND,

    You guys always have my back, and it’s much appreciated.  I didn’t mean to make anyone nervous with my recent absences.  I’ve simply been working around the clock on a new line of Tommy Titan dipping sauces.  Uncle Buck’s Honey Mustard, Crazy Dick’s Chipotle Ranch, and Hansen’s Hot as Hell BBQ…look for them soon wherever fine condiments are sold.


  3. Food Meal Dinner Cafe Eat Restaurant

    February 11, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    I have three saga favorites: chicken nuggets, nacho bar and New York deli. Despite their deliciousness, I am not able to eat all three meals in one sitting. So my question for you is why saga makes the schedule so that all the good things are on the same day?

    Dear DW,

    I assume that at one point the three items in question were served on separate days.  Otherwise, the only way you would know you love all three is by eating them in one sitting—and you’d be a bald-faced liar.

    If we assume that you are not quite so deceptive, then it follows that these items are only occasionally served on the same day.  Therefore, while it is clearly a devilish ploy by SAGA to now and again schedule all the best food on the same day (those people are sick), I think you have but one choice: to eat any of the three at every opportunity.  Some days that may mean gorging yourself over lunch and missing your afternoon classes—or stuffing extras in the cargo pocket of your sweats for later, a la Napoleon Dynamite.  A real love of food requires sacrifice, commitment, and yes, indigestion.

    So now I say to you, DW, eat on!  Carry the torch of many who came before you, eating far too much simply because it is buffet-style dining!  While I can’t answer your question—for only God knows why SAGA does what SAGA does—I hope this has given you new resolve to make a turkey club, place a few nuggets on top, and smother the whole thing in processed cheese and jalapeños.


  4. You’re a good runner, right?

    February 4, 2010 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    I read about our alum running for governor of Illinois.  Sounds like he’s going to be the GOP candidate.  It made me wonder, have you ever considered public office?

    Dear PAUL,

    I have indeed.  In high school I ran for class president and had victory in hand until I learned that no commander-in-chief duties came with the post and withdrew from the race.  About eight years later, after I had completed majors in several other areas here at IWU (biology, music, accounting, French, and sociology), I dabbled in political science and contemplated a run at public office in Illinois.  I had my sights set on comptroller because it’s just a fun word to say, but sadly my political career was again grounded before it could even take flight.  Just as my campaign was gaining momentum I learned that one must have fingerprints in order to run for political office in Illinois.  Seeing as my fuzzy fingers leave no trace—and it takes weeks to get that ink off my hands—I again withdrew, and this time I resigned to being no more than a perfect citizen.

    Even still, there’s a part of me that longs to hold a public office—but really, what could I do that Blagojevich hasn’t already done?