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November, 2009

  1. Titangiving

    November 20, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    What are you thankful for this year?
    –TURKEY TOM

    Dear TOM,

    I’m thankful for many things.  Here are a few of them:

    • Bacon
    • Needlepoint
    • Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
    • Schooner’s wings and corn fritters
    • Highlights magazine
    • The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, with no warrants issued, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized
    • Tupperware
    • Huey Lewis and The News
    • Hybrid animals
    • Titans

    –Tommy


  2. Falliday

    November 12, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    What’s your favorite holiday?
    –ALL ABOUT FALL

    Dear FALL,

    This is an easy one.  Thanksgiving.  Love it.  Getting the whole family together, bringing my signature cheesy potatoes, smelling a basting turkey in the oven, sitting around a table and sharing what we’re most thankful for, wearing elastic-waisted pants in preparation of eating too much, eating so much that those pants are still uncomfortable, rolling away from the table to watch a football game I don’t really care about, arguing about which NFL team has the best looking uniforms, pinning my little cousins to the ground and dangling a loogie close to their faces before sucking it back up, cheering as my nephews take turns punching each other in the arm as a test of wills, watching my crazy Aunt Jean swipe silverware off the table and slip it into her purse, wondering how many of us will get sick as a result of the highly contagious flu virus at least one of us in the room is inevitably harboring, listening to the older crowd discuss politics, trying not to listen to the older crowd discuss pop culture, placing bets on which of the even older crowd will fall asleep first in an upright seated position on the couch, placing bets on which of the emotionally fragile relatives will be the first to break down and cry about something that’s really not that big of a deal, helping clean up a huge mess of dirty dishes and wondering who didn’t finish their turkey (blasphemous—that’s the key ingredient of the delicious post-Thanksgiving cold turkey sandwich!), and ultimately filing out the door in a zombie-like state brought on by an excess of heavy food and family togetherness.

    Yes, FALL, nothing puts it all together like Thanksgiving.  And regardless of what you and your family do or don’t do over Thanksgiving break, remember you’re at least out of class for a few days.  Be thankful.

    –Tommy


  3. Plagued by the Plagues

    November 5, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    At the beginning of the year, we had the aphid infestation, then the lady bugs came, and now it’s the escalating epidemic of H1N1.  Are these the beginnings of the plagues that will ultimately end the world?  If so, what’s next?
    –PARANOID

    Dear PARANOID,

    I’m not sure if the world is coming to an end, or if things are just starting to suck enough that we’ll soon be begging for the next plague.  Let’s review…we’re mired in the worst recession since the Great Depression, our political system is in shambles at both the state and federal level, poverty is rampant, violence is out of control, obesity is an epidemic, Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter is about the most popular celebrity in the country, and the Cubs still have not won a World Series since 1908.

    Okay, the Cubs’ losing actually gives me some faith that the natural balance still exists, but the rest of that stuff is worrisome.

    You know what the real problem is, though?  We know too much.  I long for the days when news was limited to major events that affected our lives.  It seems I now know about every politician’s indiscretions, every celebrity’s weight gain and/or loss, every potential killer in the workplace or at home or at school or while sleeping or while eating or while not eating—and I know everything Michael Jackson did in the days leading up to his death, during his death, after his death, and after-after his death.  It seems to me, PARANOID, that information overload is a plague.  But it’s not going anywhere, so we’d all better get used to it.

    FYI, this column will soon be available as a mobile alert so you can get Tommy right on your handheld wireless device!

    –Tommy