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October, 2009

  1. Soccher

    October 29, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    I never see you at the women’s soccer games. Why is that? Our team is just as good and just as worthy of your support as the other sports teams. Please promise you’ll come (and bring the band with you) to one of our future home games…
    –GK

    Dear GK,

    I must tell you first off that I am a huge fan of the beautiful game.  I grew up following the likes of Pelé and Franz Beckenbauer as they orchestrated elegant and dominant Brazilian and German sides, respectively.  I’ve played the game my whole life, I never miss a Premier League match on TV if I can help it, and I’m going as Charlie Davies for Halloween this year as a tribute to my injured countryman.

    What’s more, I have indeed attended many a women’s soccer match here at IWU—and I have been to at least one home game for every varsity IWU team in the last three years.  Admittedly, while I’m at Neis Field I keep a slightly lower profile, however, because of my past love affair with one of your teammates.  It was a short but intense relationship that makes it awkward anytime we’re around each other now—but that doesn’t keep me from coming down to support the team.  Remember, I bleed Titan Green.  No, seriously.  I know a lot of people use that phrase, but I really do.  Seriously.  No, it’s green.

    You should also know that Coach Eash is the only coach who specifically requests my presence at home games—but that’s also because I light the ceremonial torch before every football game.  The only fire at the soccer games is that which burns in my soul for a lost lover.  Oh, and the band?  They’re great at sporting events with stoppages of play—but soccer’s running clock might make it difficult for them to squeeze in Keep ‘Em Separated.

    –Tommy


  2. New Fear – Nuclear?

    October 24, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    Between swine flu, the budget crunch that IWU is facing, and the growing threat of nuclear holocaust, which is the most frightening?
    –UP AT NIGHT

    Dear UP,

    You are certainly a cheery one.  You realize, of course, that you are adding to at least two of these issues with your question by causing people to cry directly onto the communal keyboards around campus (I’m not sure yet how your question affects nuclear proliferation, but if I think hard enough I could probably find a connection).

    Seeing as I live here on the campus of Illinois Wesleyan University, home to no less than 2,000 potential carriers, I would be at least mildly concerned about H1N1 were I able to be infected.  The closest I come to contracting anything from you lab rats is allowing a sweaty little mouth-breather to climb inside my likeness for weekend athletic events, so I think I’m safe.

    The IWU budget crunch is a topic of which I am keenly aware, and from what I can tell there is no easy solution.  I guess I may not be able to take that early retirement at 155 like I’d planned.  My spring break trip with the guys has also been postponed indefinitely.  Last year we had a blast…

    Lastly, I live by very few hard and fast rules, but one is this—I refuse to take seriously anyone in a Members Only jacket.  Therefore, I’m putting nuclear war on the back burner.

    Basically, my advice is this—live your life.  There will always be something lurking around the corner.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I must retreat to my room, where I have amassed enough SAGA cookies, Mountain Dew, and A-Team reruns to hide out for three months if things get worse.

    –Tommy


  3. Days with Dave

    October 16, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy Titan,
    Do you and Saga Dave have any stories together?  You are both legendary icons of the school, and I didn’t know if you two had worked together before or not.
    –NICK

    Dear NICK,

    Tommy Titan…Tommy.  Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time…a long time.

    I was once a General Manager the same as Saga Dave.  He was the best delegator in the kitchen, and a cunning scheduler.  And he was a good friend.

    I have a pen and small notebook that I will give you the next time I see you.  Saga Dave wanted you to have them when you were old enough.  This is the weapon of a General Manager for Residential Service.  Much more clumsy and random than a laptop computer or iPhone…less-than-elegant weapons for an uncivilized time.  For decades the General Managers were the guardians of tidiness and food preparation in the old Saga.  Before the renovations…before Sodexho.

    A young GM named Dave Nicholson, who was a pupil of mine, until he signed on with Sodexho, helped the University hunt down and destroy the Saga General Managers.  He tried to betray Saga Dave, but fortunately he failed.  Now the GMs are all but extinct, and Dave Nicholson was seduced by the dark side of the cafeteria, but Saga Dave lives on.

    His energy is a field created by all living things.  It surrounds us and penetrates us.  It binds the University together.  You must learn the ways of Saga Dave if you’re to come with me to Tommy’s.  I will order fried food, but you must do what you feel is right, of course.

    –Tommy


  4. Wizard Whizz

    October 8, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    We might have a wizard in our midst!  In the course of a conversation with a classmate, I heard a rumor that Dr. Terkla is actually Gandalf the Grey.  But I’m confused—Dr. Terkla’s powers are considerable, so how do we know he’s not actually Gandalf the White?  Didn’t he spend last year’s sabbatical vanquishing the balrog?
    Inquisitively,
    TUROLDUS

    Dear TUROLDUS,

    This question has popped up around this campus for generations.  For most of that time, only the Inner Circle—consisting of Matt “The Cat” Adams, the sitting president of the University, and yours truly—knew the truth about Dr. Terkla’s true identity.  Since the release of Peter Jackson’s lauded film interpretation of JRR Tolkien’s work, however, these questions have once again started to surface.  I’m not even supposed to talk about this, so let’s keep this just between the two of us…

    Dr. Terkla is indeed Gandalf the White.  Unlike the Hollywood version of our man, though, the real Gandalf does not don his full white regalia daily.  I mean, come on, that’s like Ochocinco going to the grocery store in his Bengals uniform.  He’d never get anything done because he’d be signing autographs all day—or choreographing a huge touchdown celebration with everyone in the freezer section—and Terkla would be forced to conjure magical fireworks every other minute instead of blowing students’ minds with his knowledge of medieval literature.

    What I can tell you about the Balrog is this—one did exist prior to Dr. Terkla taking sabbatical, and it no longer does.  Form your own conclusions.  And here are two other little-known facts about Terkla: 1) he once worked on the Goodyear Blimp ground crew (he saved them a fortune in helium in those days), and 2) as a student at Oxford University, he spent time in the same pub frequented by Tolkien himself.  Now all this makes sense, doesn’t it?

    –Tommy


  5. Why not hawk the Hockey?

    October 1, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    Why do we not get any channels that show hockey games, but we have about six sports channels?  Also, what’s up with the NASA channel?  Thanks!
    –HOCKEY FAN LOST WITHOUT HER HAWKS

    Dear HOCKEY FAN,

    The easy answer is that we don’t live in Canada, and while hockey is a great sport to watch live, there are at least six sports more enjoyable to watch on TV here in America.

    The more informative answer is that each year when our Titan TV contract is due to be renewed, Student Senate helps select the channel lineup based on packages available.  The current lineup represents a change made in Spring 2009.  Therefore, if the three other hockey fans on campus are as upset as you, get together and let your Student Senate representatives know about it!  FYI, here’s what some other schools are watching

    You can also support your hockey habit right here on MyIWU now.  There’s a Comcast Sportsnet Blackhawks channel just begging to be added to your MyIWU layout.  Click on the link called “Content Layout” in the top left corner of MyIWU, and put this channel wherever you want.  Now wasn’t that easy?

    Oh, and the NASA channel?  You got me—but I’m not making any disparaging comments.  You never know what government agency is reading this stuff anymore.

    –Tommy