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September, 2009

  1. Mom and Momma

    September 23, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,

    Why is it that when responding to the question of who your parents were, you only named heterosexual couples? Why could it not have been Mom and Momma? Or Pops and Daddy-O?

    –ANGIE

    Dear ANGIE,

    I could only assume that our boy Columbo was asking about my biological parents.  And you know how that works, right?  Mommy and mommy just won’t do.  Daddy and daddy?  Nope.  Come to think of it, I’m not sure Venom and the squirrel swordsman could have gotten it done, either.  But I made my best guesses based on what I know about myself and the topsy-turvy world of genetics.

    Some of my best friends are same-sex mascot couples.  I’ve got nothing but love for them.  But I was born in the 1960’s, and surrogates and in vitro just weren’t the rage.  So I’m pretty sure my parents were a man and a woman.  Or a really strong woman and a combative squirrel, or two cartoon characters.  Now doesn’t that make more sense?

    –Tommy


  2. Polar Parents

    September 23, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    I was just wondering who your parents were?!?!?
    –COLUMBUS KWON

    Dear COLUMBUS,

    I’ve never really known who my parents were.  It’s more difficult than you might think to trace your genealogy when you’re both a tiny, two-dimensional image and a 7-foot, puffy mascot.  Sometimes I’m in color, sometimes not.  My 2-D self is typically angry at the world, while my 3-D side smiles and hugs kids at Titan games.  Depending on where you see me, I’m all different degrees of swarthy.  I’M SO CONFUSED!

    Columbus, the best I can tell is my parents were opposites, and we know they attract.  Here are my best guesses:

    a) Mom and Dad?
    b) Mother and Father?
    c) Mom and Pop?

    –Tommy


  3. Get the Gnats!

    September 16, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    Can you use your Titan background and try to kill the swarms of gnats smothering campus? If not, please start distributing face masks because those gnats are getting aggressive…I think one went up my nose earlier today.
    –L

    Dear L,

    I, too, am concerned about the recent proliferation of our nemeses in the Dipterid suborder Nematocera.  If you’ll notice, I can’t blink—and always have my mouth at least partially open.  This can be troublesome, most notably when I’m trying to sleep, when someone farts, or during insect infestations.

    While distributing face masks across campus might help, I fear its muffling effect would too greatly stifle the intellectual exchange.  Instead, I recommend you invest in a helmet not unlike my own.  Though heavy, it’s surprisingly comfortable, goes well with Titan green, and can at least help keep the gnats out of your eyes.

    –Tommy


  4. Tweet or no Tweet

    September 11, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    Do you Tweet?
    –NEO

    Dear NEO,

    That’s a personal question.  But if you’re inquiring about whether I submit lame status updates about what I’m doing every second of the day, the answer is no.  I’m from a time when we didn’t necessarily care what others were doing all the time or what they thought about everything under the sun.  No, Neo, in my day mascots were mascots and men were men.  When I trouble myself to impart wisdom, it’s because the subject at hand rises to a level worthy of my opinion.  Like…er, Twitter.

    –Tommy


  5. Triumph of the Titans

    September 4, 2009 by Tommy Titan

    Dear Tommy,
    What do you think of our football team’s chances this year in the CCIW?
    –PIGSKIN FAN

    Dear PIGSKIN,

    I liken our Titans’ 2009 campaign to the ever-present struggle between good and evil.  We will overcome using all the guile and skill bestowed upon us from on high.  The football gods will once again hold aloft the name of Illinois Wesleyan as we vanquish our foes like Day Man does Night Man.  Our Titans will reign supreme as champions of the sun, masters of karate and friendship for everyone.

    –Tommy